If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like