who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet