For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.