My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
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Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.