You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.