The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
next level snooze
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
don’t we all
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing