[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
looks legit
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
According to math, I’m broke
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I did not eat the cake…