The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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Me trying to reach for my goals
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Bread puns are on the rise!
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.