Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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Saw online –
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park