When can I start eating bats again.
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
When you’ve simply given up.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
this is the greatest thing ever
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.