If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
😂😂😂
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head