I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America