One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.