I just stopped by to water my horse.
You Might Also Like
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.