[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
January has been Januweary
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.