I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.