HERE’S MARKY
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]