-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.