I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool