son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.