If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
estão todos miauvindo?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.