ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Bloody internet 😳
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
mariah carrie
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
それは草