My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Sharon, call the vet
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds