If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.