My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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Pandas 🐼🖤
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Lmao 🤣
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.