*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Möther may I have a snäck
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation