I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
“Wait, let me explain..”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.