A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.