I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse