Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?