new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My wife gives the best headache.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks