Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
You Might Also Like
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
all bases covered
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.