I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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The absolute effort that went into this omg
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
What is going on? 😅
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.