My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.