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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”