Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
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One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.