I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.