Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
😬
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game