I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
You Might Also Like
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well