I created you as mosquito food.
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior