I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
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Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers