Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
is this store having a stroke wtf
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.