Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already