This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
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[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
They’re on their honeymoon
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”