I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
my astrological sign is a french fry
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
no
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…