quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.