Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
How to properly lift a body
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.