Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
You Might Also Like
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you