Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
She: I like Cats
He:
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?