Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol